Over the years as a couple’s counselor – I have seen a number of couples where the woman feels silent, unheard, invisible. The pattern is widespread and not limited to a certain “type” of woman or couple. There is a broad range of women who feel this way: successful career women (some who are the primary bread winners in their families) as well as homemakers, strident liberals as well as political conservatives., religiously devout as well as non religious people.

The typical pattern is that the woman goes along with (and even reinforces) being the silent, unseen support of her husband and family. But at some point, this is no longer satisfactory. She asks for a change. This request for a change elicits a crisis in the marriage. This is NOT the woman’s fault. Rather it is that the relationship had become overly focused on the mans needs and aspirations – so making a change is difficult. NOR is it the mans fault. Both partners participated in developing an unconscious agreement that this would be the style of the relationship.

My guess is that if the the challenge for the relationship to notice and honor both parties needs equally – happens early in the relationship- it may be easier for both in the couple to adapt and develop new strategies and methods of communication. But when the established patterns are well entrenched – it is hard for both partners to change. The man is surprised by the woman’s concerns. He thought that everything was going very well. The woman is often guilty about asking for a change, but knows that she needs to have her needs acknowledged and met in the relationship.

The process of becoming visible may take a difficult toll on the marriage. Old established patterns are challenged. At times the ability to maintain the connection at all becomes challenged, or does break.

What can you do if you become aware that you are an invisible woman? *

First, realize that you are not alone. This is a cultural phenomenon. The typical pattern is for the woman to feel angry about not getting her needs met. The husband often feels bewildered and unaware of how to acknowledge and validate the woman’s complaint.

Second, recognize that it is legitimate to request your needs be met. If it is new for you to make these kinds of requests – it will probably feel very awkward at first. You may even feel guilt or shame that you are asking for your needs to be met. The husband may react with surprise, shock, or indignation. It is new for him as well and he may be caught off guard.

Third, start learning new patterns of communication. It is NOT too late to start learning new patterns. Invite your partner to start learning with you – rather than blaming your partner for the pattern.

Fourth, learn to distinguish between a request for a need to be met and a demand that it be met. This can appear to be a subtle difference. The asker may even perceive that it is a request, but it may seem like a demand to the receiver. Both parties in the couple will need to learn new ways to hear and understand their partner.

Fifth, honor the past hurts of which you may now be aware. Before you can ask to have your needs met, you must be aware of your needs. In addition to being aware of how your needs were not met in the past, you will need to be careful about blaming your partner for not meeting those needs. Remember – this was a pattern of communication that you took part in, not something that was imposed by your partner.

Sixth – get more information. Some excellent books on communication, though not “Couples” books per se are Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg and Stop Being Nice, Start Being Real by Thomas d’Ansembourg

Finally, if you need additional help in identifying needs, or changing the patterns of communication, consider counseling from a professional who understands the patterns – and will not perpetuate blaming one partner or the other.

* this is deliberately geared toward women in these relationships, and not men – as men rarely notice the pattern until the woman confronts it.

Michael Winters is a Psychologist in Houston focusing on marriage counseling and therapy. Michael received his PhD from the University of Memphis and has been practicing since 1991.