As a couples counselor I assist many couples and individuals in learning new ways to communicate. I have noticed an important difference in my clients who ‘get it’ and those who do not.
Most of my clients can learn the skills of empathic communication and deeper connection. Skills are not enough – there has to be an availability to disconnect from one’s own agenda long enough to grasp the other persons reality. When a non-grasper is practicing the listener role in dialogue exercises – he or she is demonstrating the skills, but not tuned in to the emotionality and needs of the partner. The non-grasper is patiently waiting for MY turn to speak.
What is going on with the non-grasper? Like most of us, the non-grasper is preoccupied with internal thoughts, feelings and needs. While intellectually able to recognize that others have different thoughts, feelings and needs – it is difficult to get outside of self to actually experience the other as a unique individual. The non-grasper’s experience is that “my version of reality is the one true version of reality”.
Learning to grasp another’s reality is difficult work. It is especially difficult to do this with your spouse. It is inordinately difficult to do this with your spouse in the heat of conflict! Though I am a psychologist with over 20 years of relationship counseling and communication coaching experience – I still have times that I get emotionally triggered and am not focused on my partners needs. These episodes of non-grasping happen less frequently than they did in the past, and I can usually return to a grasping state of mind fairly quickly. Learning to deeply understand another person is an ongoing practice.
What can you do if you are having difficultly understanding and validating your partners perspective? First and foremost, have patience with yourself. Recognize that this is difficult work and may take a lot of time, practice and persistence to adequately learn how to deeply grasp your partner.
Second, remember a time that you felt deep love for and connection with your partner. It may have been a time of intense joy, like early in dating or right after you became engaged. Your connection may have been around a difficulty that you endured together and brought you closer. What were your thoughts and feelings in that moment of connection? Remembering as clearly as possible your experience of feeling deeply connected can be important as the feeling will be a signal that you are getting to the kind of understanding and connection you are looking for. You may want to take a few moments before communicating to remember this time of connection. You may want to write about it – or if you have photos of that time- take them out and look at them to help you reconnect with the love you have for your partner.
Third, acknowledge to yourself when you are having difficulty. Perhaps there is a something blocking you from hearing deeply. For example, if you still harbor anger or guilt about some issue in your past – it may be difficult to get beyond that emotional pain to be available to hear the other at a deep level. If there is something blocking you – be honest with yourself and your partner. You may want to seek individual counseling from a counselor who is skilled in working with individuals and couples.
Fourth, explore different models of communication. There is no perfect approach to communication. So you may want to look for different models to find an approach that fits for you. Any new model will likely feel awkward at first – so don’t give up too quickly. Recognize there are other methods available. My clients often say it is helpful to go to a workshop with your partner to learn a new method of communication. Two excellent models can be found in books by Harville Hendrix – Getting the Love You Want, and by Marshall Rosenberg – Nonviolent Communication. In addition you may want to explore these videos on Nonviolent communication and on the dialogue process.
Fifth, keep working at the process. Communication IS a skill (though not just a skill), and like all skills it takes time and patience to learn. As a complex skill, you may need guidance to help you connect at the deepest levels. Considering the skills can be so difficult to learn and practice, you may want to seek the guidance of an experienced couples psychologist or counselor to guide you in the process.
Keep working to put your own experience aside and hear from a place of clarity and love. The rewards for understanding your partner in a more profound way are many. You may find that the payoff is a richer more fulfilling relationship.
Links
Nonviolent communication book
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/Nonviolent-Communication?r=1&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=N_2&utm_source=google&utm_term=+nonviolent%20+communication%20+books&cm_mmc=google-_-N_2-_-Nonviolent+Communication-_-%2BNonviolent+%2BCommunication+%2Bbooks
Michael Winters is a Psychologist in Houston focusing on marriage counseling and therapy. Michael received his PhD from the University of Memphis and has been practicing since 1991.